Please, someone, give me a break !!!
So there we were, the whole night shift; all two of us plus the Sergeant, called to a local hostelry by the barmaid (sadly not of the buxom variety – whatever has happened to conditions of employment these days lol) who was having difficulty removing a nuisance customer.
Well I say customer, he hadn’t actually purchased any of the fine beverages on offer at this particular establishment, much preferring to save his custom for the local late night shop down the road where he had purchased (possibly, alternatively he might have just helped himself) to the obligatory two 3 litre bottles of Frosty Jacks and consumed them as rapidly as possible in what your ever frustrated commentator can only presume was all in the interest of scientific research.
His venture into the aforementioned public house was merely to use the facilities – except he hadn’t managed to get as far as the toilets and had decided his best course of action was to urinate on the bar area floor – how he didn’t ‘get taught good n proper’ by the pubs regulars is still beyond me but they did things the correct way and called the Old Bill.
The bar maid didn’t want to make a fuss, certainly didn’t want to make a complaint and just wanted Mr Idiot out of her fine establishment and so there we were, trying to avoid any contact with the various bodily fluids emanating from this fine example of human kind and offering him genuine words of advice about his actions and future conduct.
Okay, so it started politely with a ‘come on chap, time to go home’ but descended quickly after the torrent of abuse which fell from his lips. I really could not be bothered with wasting any of the public purse in processing this waste of oxygen through the system so it was a matter of escorting chummy out and into the fresh air accompanied by my pearl of wisdom “Isn’t it about time you grew up ?”.
Well that was it “I WANT TO MAKE A COMPLAINT, YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT !!!” All things considered I was fairly impressed he’d managed to formulate a word containing two syllables given his level of intoxication but there were were.
Having been further encouraged on his way by ourselves and the skipper, perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive the radio call form the inspector an hour later asking us all to attend his office.
Now here’s a bloke who’s not emerged from behind his desk for a very long time except to visit the custody block to do the PACE reviews; and even then most of us reckon the only reason he’s so keen on that is because they’ve got a TV and coffee maker always on the go in their back office.
It appeared our toilet troll had made several 999 calls from his mobile after we finally got rid of him, all to complain about the brutal treatment by police and the way “one of them fuckwits’ spoke to me”. The mere fact someone entertained his ramblings would no doubt surprise the casual reader, but not to us nasty, evil, must have been bullied when we were younger, persons of ill repute and unmarried mothers.
For reasons best known only to our inspector, although his current promotion chasing probably had a lot to do with it, he’d decided he was going to investigate this complaint – his apparent logic being that if the bloke had been committing offences we should have dealt with him ‘positively’ and if he hadn’t then we had no cause or reason to treat him with anything but the highest respect …..
Just remember this dear reader, the next time you flick that fag ash in the air …. littering that is …. And we’ll deal with you ‘positively’ !!!
p.s. after about three weeks the Inspector told us he’d completed the investigation and was not going to take any further action against us, just offer some ‘informal management advice’ – gee thanks boss
p.p.s. he didn’t get the promotion