One comment on “Why Is It So Hard To See Black And Blue ?

  1. Pleased that this recognises that 1 in 6 men also live with a partner that has a hair trigger on thier violent side.

    I did, it culminated in her arrest for assault and domestic BoP, and the standard quick fix (arrest at least 1 party and on to the next job). Surprisingly she got 2 nights in the cells before coming to the sheriff (I suspect a combination of being lippy and uncooperative and also being drunk)

    There followed a period of bail conditions, where I was the one getting daily Police visits (it gets a bit tricky explaining to neighbours why a uniformed officer keeps calling – potentially worse in some circumstances I suspect)

    Not a great deal of explaining from Victim Support or the Police, and I was getting steady pressure mostly indirect (her mother) to withdraw my statement (fortunately in Scotland Roman Law precludes this and would have put me in contempt of Court) there was one direct phone contact (in breach of bail) but no response to her applying to the Court for bail variation to permit counselling to work to a resolution. There was also pressure not to say anything about her being drunk (a root cause on many previous outbursts, and I later learned that she was noted as drunk when charged)

    As we have children a referral was made to the Social Work Department, which the Police later admitted, should also have been notified to me (it was not). Suffice to say that with the children staying with the mother, and herself moving to stay there, I was nver contacted, and the Social Work Office which was handed the file completely failed to record it. It was only the quirk that in Scotland such referrals are also passed to the Children’s Panel that in my efforts to secure access to the children I discovered this had happened, by which time the whole issue had gone cold and clearly the children were being heavily influenced by the way this situation had developed. I wrote to the Director of Social Work, and delivered copies by e-mail, post and hand. In 5 years now I have yet to receive an acknowledgement of that letter or a response.

    I do worry about the children, with a mother who has a violence issue – not only against me. She has kicked off with others, in shops etc, and I learned that she’d reacted with a need for physical restraint against others in family situations.

    There is much debated about the way you grow up influencing the way you live your life. This whole tale almost mirrors her childhood, a father called away to deal with wider family matters in a war zone, the mother moving from their then home, and then after 7 years of the father being disappeared obtaining a declaration of presumed death. The family then effectively grew up as a matriachal household with 2 sisters and their 7 children. The ripples seem to have continued – our children have cousins they may never know local to them, through the failed relationships of my ex- wife’s siblings.

    One day I might be able to tell the children the other side of this story, serendipity has often fitted pieces into that jigsaw, although it is unlikely that my wife’s father is still around – he was 23 in 1958 when he married, and may well have given up/not had the resources to track down his former wife.

    My mother’s parents married in 1918, when her father came home on leave, and the generals helpfully called off the war. They moved into a terraced house, in which they lived for 62 years, quietly respected in their local community, and sadly ripped apart when their only child died before they did. Exposure to a very different type of family culture has been a big shock and I worry about the children in a household with a member prone to violent outbursts, albeit at present with an older family member present to calm things down.

    Happy to chat offline to those documenting domestic violence and how it may be better managed.

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